In the middle of the desert, Commander Jesus sits in his Bedouin tent and receives reports from the battlefront. As the scene begins, a soldier runs in frantically from the front lines.
Soldier: Commander, Commander we're surrounded from all sides! The Hounds of Hell are attacking from all around our fortifications. We will be completely overrun in a matter of hours. You must evacuate to safer ground, Lord.
Commander Jesus (CJ): Have you had breakfast, son? (Calling to an aide) Luke, will you please bring this good soldier some grub and a good strong cup of Joe? (Returning his attention to his overwrought visitor.) Now soldier; it's Eli isn't it? Okay Sergeant Eli, give me your report.
Soldier: Well sir, every weapon known to man has been unleashed in this final battle between good and evil.
CJ: Really? Who is using the Slingshot? I always loved the slingshot. Those were the good old days weren't they Sergeant? Remember that old Bible story about David and Goliath? That was a good one. Goliath always got a bad wrap about that one. Goliath wasn't a Philistine. He wasn't even from around those parts. He was a mercenary. He was big and tough but he had a heart of gold. Anyway, the wagering was fierce that day as Goliath faced off with David. Well, you know the story. Goliath was brought down with David's wicked-ass shot from the sling. And the rest is history. Well it's not real history, but if stories and parables give people solace in this great den of suffering then who am I to begrudge religion?
Soldier: Permission to speak freely sir?
CJ: What? Am I going to smite you if you say something that I don't like?
Soldier: No Commander Jesus. Sorry sir.
CJ: Don't apologize Sergeant. These are difficult and confusing times. I know that you'd prefer to think of me as a gentle, meek, Jesus. But as I say these are difficult and confusing times. Tough Love is a fine line to walk. And don't confuse 'tough love' with that psychobabble spewed by child abusers to justify beating their kids or sending them off to a military academy because youth had the temerity to speak its own mind.
Soldier: Commander, sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but our defenses and fortifications are being over run by the Hounds from Hell. Our forces are frightened and hopeless. We need a miracle Commander!
CJ: Yes, well, that's the problem isn't it? Miracles. Deus ex Machina. Those Greeks were a fun bunch. They loved to party. And talk? Good God the Greeks could talk about toenail clippings for days on end.
Soldier: Sir?
CJ: Yes, Eli, Miracles. We need a miracle to save us from the Hounds of Hell. The Greeks saw the Intelligence behind Creation. The Greek dramatists of that time like Euripides, Aeschylus and Sophocles used the miracle of the Deus ex Machina to deliver their heroes to safety, but they knew better. Miracles aren't accidents but favors. Miracles are rewards given to the faithful by their friends in high places. It's all about Patronage.
Soldier: Sir! The Hounds from Hell show no mercy. They eat and drink the blood of their enemies. Hate, kill, destroy, rampage, rape and annihilate is what they do. If we fall Commander, if Love fails, then all is lost.
CJ: So you are saying that the only hope left for mankind against the Hounds from Hell is a miracle?
Soldier: Commander Jesus, sir, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have been loosed upon the world.
CJ: Loosed? Are you sure? I'm sure I would have heard about that.
Soldier: Lord Commander Jesus, what will you do to save us?
CJ: Johnny Walker Red! Didn't I save you once already? Huh? Isn't that the legend? Huh? How come humanity always needs saving?
Soldier: Is that a rhetorical question sir?
CJ: I'll tell you why. They can't leave well enough alone, that's why. Do you understand that soldier? Man inevitably needs saving because he cannot leave well enough alone.
A Messenger runs into the tent of Commander Jesus. He is breathing hard as though he has been running a long way. He runs up to Commander Jesus but cannot speak because he is breathing so hard.
CJ: Would you like a beer, son? I think all we've got left is some Henry Weinhard's but, hey, beggars can't be choosers.
The Messenger still breathing hard is finally able to speak.
Messenger: War, Pestilence, Famine and Plague scourge the very Earth, Commander Jesus.
CJ: I hate it when that happens.
Messenger: Millions are dying. Millions more suffer unimagined torment and torture.
CJ: Well it's not like we didn't warn them.
Soldier: But sir, so many of the suffering are innocents. So many lives are devastated as collateral damage. Why do millions upon millions have to die miserable deaths for the sake of Judgment?
CJ: What the blazes are you blithering about with that biblical mumbo-jumbo? It's not about Judgment. It's about man's inhumanity to man. Don't blame You-Know-Who for this. Judgment is self-evident when it comes to the antics of Man. From the first it was brother against brother for the affections of the Father. And I don't mean Adam. And I don't mean You-Know-Who. No, I mean that Old Testament God who they were taught to call Father was nothing but a narcissistic renegade with severe control issues. Sort of like that Rumsfeld fellow.
Soldier: Commander Jesus, forgive me sir, but everything you just said is beyond my pay-grade and ability to care. All I know is that the Mother of All Battles is about to destroy the world!
CJ: Humanity is not the world, Sergeant. Perhaps civilization is about to be destroyed, but the World will go on quite happily for a very long time, thank you. And who is doing the destroying?
Messenger: It's the Hounds of Hell, Commander. The Hounds from Hell have been loosed upon the world and only the Chosen Few will escape the wrath of Evil.
CJ: Is it Hollywood that makes you talk like that or Tele-Evangelists?
An explosion is heard close by followed by the screams of fallen soldiers.
Soldier: Lord is all of humanity to be destroyed?
CJ: Good Heavens no. Not even most. But Sergeant Eli you can't expect thousands of years of human drama to climax without quite a bit of death and destruction can you? After thousands of years of war, conquest, brutality and cruelty you can't expect miracles. Good Heavens, it is a bit arrogant after thousands of years of blood frenzy to suddenly ask for mercy isn't it?
Soldier: Is this the 'tough love' that you spoke of before Commander?
CJ: The Act of Love is the gift of Freedom, Sergeant Eli. Love provides the freedom to be naughty or nice. Humanity was given Liberty out of a Love beyond a mortal's ability to comprehend it. Free Will is not something to be sniffed at or laughed away. The Freedom given to Humanity out of the unconditional love of You-Know-Who extends even to the Freedom of self-destruction. The Hounds from Hell do not live and breathe independently of mankind. War is made by men. Famine is a political tool used by men. Men create pestilence when they destroy the natural order. Men in laboratories and think-tanks cause plagues. Evil comes from within men. Evil does not attack and invade; evil is invited in as an honored guest and entertained with lust and greed. Man has been given the Freedom to completely, utterly fail. At the same time he has been given all of the tools, training and guidance to succeed, to grow from imbecile to wizard. It appears however that Humanity (or at least that part of humanity that is bloated on the smug comforts of cleverness) has rejected the path of success and has embraced death instead. The toughest form of love is non-intervention. The hardest thing for a parent to do is watch their child fail and self-destruct especially after the parent has provided good love and guidance. You cannot pretend to love freedom if you are unwilling to witness the catastrophe of unbridled grief, anger, despair and self-destruction.
Soldier: Sir, again, it's kind of way beyond my ability to know what the heck you're talking about. Are you saying, Commander, that there will be no Miracle to save us?
CJ: The Miracle, Sergeant Eli, is the same as it has always been. It is the miracle of freedom. It is the ability to choose. It is the gift to reflect. It is the power, upon reflection, to change your thoughts. Not many people really understand that, Sergeant Eli. You know that silly story in the Bible where I'm at the top of the Mount of Olives and I start crying like a baby. Do you know why I wept over Jerusalem Sergeant Eli?
Luke, the aide de camp to Commander Jesus, enters with a tray of toast and coffee.
CJ: As a matter of fact, I believe it's in Luke's book. Isn't it Luke?
Luke: Yes sir. Silly story it is though effectively constructed and laden with meaning. It's the story about the colt. We were sent on a mission to find a certain colt in a certain village and bring him to you. We decorated the colt with silk and jewelry. Then the Commander rode the colt to the top of the Mount of Olives as a great multitude followed all about.
CJ: Those were the hay-days weren't they Luke? And then I saw Jerusalem. The City of David and Solomon. The great Holy City was before me and could have been mine for the taking. But I started bawling like a baby.
Luke: That's what the story says, Commander. But I don't remember the crying part I just remember what you said.
CJ: Was it good? All I remember was the people everywhere thirsting for truth. I remember thinking how easy it is for the mighty to fall.
Luke: As you looked over the once great City, you said that the day would come that her enemies would cast a trench about Jerusalem and lay siege to the Promised Land. You said Jerusalem would fall and the Kingdom of Israel toppled all because we lost touch with our friends in high places. And it was right after that when you went on your Temple rampage against the moneychangers and animal-sacrifice mongers.
CJ: That wasn't a story about a colt. And it was never a colt it was always a camel until those King James idiots got a hold of it.
A great Flash in the Sky is seen followed by a horrendous sound like an exploding civilization.
CJ: Well that's my cue.
Another Messenger comes running in from the battlefield.
Messenger 2: Commander, Commander Jesus, the enemy is in retreat, the enemy has been destroyed and is in retreat.
CJ: Timing is everything. Noah taught me that. And my God, the things Moses could do with an Almanac and a tide chart.
Soldier: I don't understand, sir, what has happened?
CJ: What has happened here after all Sergeant is a miracle. An event that changes everything. A singular sensation that gets everyone's attention. It's like 9/11 but bigger. What has happened is a moment in the time-space continuum that changes the thought gestalt of a species on the brink of extinction. It's what I like to call 'tough love.'
Soldier: What has happened Commander?
CJ: Nothing that I did, Sergeant Eli. This is the work of You-Know-Who. And it seems that You-Know-Who still has some friends in low places. Perhaps friends like you, Sergeant Eli.
Another great sound is heard like a rumbling earthquake. After a great crescendo the low-booming sound fades away.
CJ: Anyway, now that we have everyone's attention, it's time to change some thoughts. There are lots of thoughts that need changing.
Soldier: But aren't you afraid Commander? People have weapons and hatred. They will attack and try to kill you.
CJ: Part of the job, son. I don't take it personally.
Soldier: And the Hounds from Hell? What about them?
CJ: Child's play, Sergeant Eli. The Hounds from Hell will fade away like a fog under the warmth of the sun.
Soldier: And what if you can't change enough thoughts? What if Humanity's heart cannot be turned toward love?
CJ: It's like all things worth achieving, Sergeant Eli. If at first you don't succeed, then you try and try and try and try again and again and again.
Luke: And you watch the signs, you read the omens, you test the waters and you wait.
Soldier: Wait for what?
CJ: A miracle Sergeant Eli, you wait for the miracle of wisdom. Wisdom is the act of choosing rightly.
Luke: It can take a long time.
CJ: It can take a very long time. But in time it will happen. And when it does happen it's worth the wait.
Luke: And it's not like we have other things to do or places to go.
CJ: We have all the time in the world Sergeant Eli. And the world still has a very long time to go. So don't let the Hounds from Hell get you down. Don't despair of the all of the brutality, cruelty, death and destruction caused by men whose thoughts are confused and deluded. Time is on the side of You-Know-Who. And those ruthless, lying, ignorant men who would be Kings will instead become dust in the wind and scattered into nothingness.
Luke: Amen, Commander, amen.
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